Abuse is NEVER Okay

04Apr10

So, I never thought I’d do this, but…I’m going to talk about Paris Hilton today.

Now, I know that it’s been several years since the Nick Carter Abuses Paris incident, but it was brought up to me today, and the way the conversation went really bothered me.  The person I was discussing it with called Nick Carter a douche, but followed it up by, “Although, I’d probably hit Paris Hilton, too.”

Abuse is never okay, and it is never acceptable to minimize it.  I don’t care what your personal feelings about Paris Hilton are.  It is extremely fucked up to say you don’t blame a man for hitting a woman, especially if it is a woman you do not know personally, and whose worst “crimes” seem to be promiscuity, affluence, and shallowness (whether real or feigned).  What Paris Hilton does with her life is her business.  I cannot understand a woman saying that another woman deserved abuse because she did not fall in line with what society says is acceptable in the female sex.

After the conversation, I went searching the web for more information (because, frankly, I don’t keep up with celebrity gossip), and stumbled across this.  A quote from the page:

The sisters should really find some more private places to display their bruises & emotions.

This caused the fierce-burning-rage to erupt within me.  It is so fucked up how it’s acceptable to tell a woman who has been abused to stop making other people uncomfortable with her abuse.  She is not committing a crime by not hiding her bruises and not pretending that everything is peachy.  And of course, even if she expressed her emotions only in private, this would only be acceptable if she did it with a chin-up sort of attitude.  God forbid she be vulnerable or distraught because of it.

Sometimes I feel like I need to be cut off from people, at least people who do not “get it.”  I can’t spend all my time teaching people why fucked up things are fucked up.  I can’t always exert the effort to internalize extremely fucked up statements.  I can’t always exert the effort to blog about fucked up statements in order to get them off my mind.  It’s just…exhausting.  Must find a better method of dealing.

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4 Responses to “Abuse is NEVER Okay”

  1. 1 Marianna

    Abuse IS never okay. But I have a VERY big problem with you using the Nick Carter/Paris Hilton incident to make your point. They had a very volatile relationship, there is no doubt. A lot of shouting and yelling witnessed by everyone and several videos of HER hitting him on the back as he left her at clubs. No one can argue they had a toxic relationship. But after their breakup pictures showed up with her having bruises, pouting, holding them up for paparazzi to photograph and as per her usual M.O., gossip mags were called by “friends” to tell the story of Nick having “abused” her. Her parents, furious as they naturally would be, called her home and consulted with lawyers. Suddenly the stories stopped. The LA police investigated the story, and were told by Paris that the bruises were caused by a catfight with a girl (this is in her diary found in that storage locker she forgot about). And although the twostepping publicity attempt by Nick, his PR and family to explain the pictures were suspiciously inept, when Paris kept making snide statements to journals, Kevin Richardson’s public statement “Paris does NOT want me talking about her with a microphone in front of my face….” and her immediate cessation of ALL statements about Nick says a lot.
    The fact is–those photos do NOT stand up to forensic inspection. There were restraining bruises on her arms. She has had those exact same bruises several times over the years since the breakup explained by her as her bodyguard pulling her away from an unruly crowd. Restraining bruises are NOT evidence of abuse-in fact-a case could be made that SHE was the person being “violent”. On her face she had swelling of her right lower lip, but no color. She has had that EXACT swelling photographed several times since the breakup-most recently in Australia. Each of the other times, it is explained as her recurrent Herpes I outbreak. And then there is the color, but NO swelling of her right upper lip. She was photographed about every 6-12 hours after the breakup. No swelling of that right upper lip, but a heck of a lot of color. Very suspicious forensically speaking. It wouldn’t hold up in court. If you want to see the face of abuse, check out Rhianna’s face-THAT is a woman that was beaten. I worked CSI in a major city on the east coast and frankly, someone on Nick Carter’s PR team really dropped the ball. Perhaps he had something else worse than this situation that frightened him into not fighting this PR nightmare, but I certainly see why this was NEVER taken to court and Paris’ team dropped it immediately upon someone looking at it with two brain cells to see past the lies SHE created to ruin him. What I would really like to know is this. There were pictures of Paris taken the morning of the “event” when she stopped at a fast food store to pick up lunch. She was wearing a brocade long sleeved (this was July) coat and dark glasses but her FACE was not bruised or swollen at all. That night the bruised pictures made their first debut when a male friend took her to a party. As the PR nightmare unfolded, the fastfood pictures dissappeared from Splashnews, not to be retrievable again. Amazing what someone with PR clout can achieve and how cullible the public is to believe anything that appears in print.

    • Wow, that was intense.

      I wasn’t actually commenting on the event itself (as I said in the post, I don’t follow celebrity gossip, which is why I’m commenting on this several years late), but rather on the reaction to it (i.e. “I’d probably hit Paris Hilton, too” and “The sisters should really find some more private places to display their bruises & emotions”). These reactions aren’t limited to celebrity incidents, they happen to abuse victims everywhere, constantly. I cited the Paris incident because that is what came up in my conversation, and that is what started the post. So whether or not the abuse actually happened (and I am so not getting into that) isn’t really relevant to my point.

  2. 3 Marianna

    But it was in the use of Paris as an example, who most likely was NOT abused, that you belittled women who truly are abused. She most likely created or exaggerated what happened between the two of them. What the Nick/Paris situation DOES bring home is this-everyone is entitled to their day in court, everyone is INNOCENT until PROVEN guilty, and public lynching without proof that stands up in court is NOT appropriate. Even for alleged abusers. Even for celebrities.

    • I don’t think it belittles women who are truly abused at all…I think it belittles women who have been abused when people automatically begin trying to deny the abuse or make excuses for the abuser. That reaction happens far too often, and it isn’t exactly easy to prove that someone has abused you.

      I will repeat, I used Paris because she is what came up in conversation, and the reaction that people had to the incident was a very good example of “She deserved it because….” It’s victim-blaming at its finest. Paris Hilton is generally not considered likable by the public, and so people tend to minimize anything bad that happens to her. It is the reaction to the event that matters, not whether Paris was abused or not (and I am not going to argue whether or not she was…it isn’t any of my business, nor do I see what good my conclusion would be, as the event happened several years ago and I was not involved in it). I haven’t “lynched” Nick Carter in any fashion in my post. I only mentioned him briefly as a party to the situation. I didn’t say he should burn in the fires of hell, or even that he should go to jail or be publicly shunned. What I did say was that people should not say a woman deserves abuse because she’s unlikable, nor should they try to make women who have been abused only discuss their abuse in private lest they make people uncomfortable.


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